It doesn’t happen very often, but last night I suffered from ‘what-the-fuck-am-I-doing-itis’.
I’ve been so focused these past few months on study and work that I was sure the path I was on was the right one but this feeling crept up on me like the morning sun on a bender. I suddenly realised I’m a 32 year old woman, no intention of having babies for a while, not married, no mortgage and taking on a 3 year course which is completely different from the career I’ve been building for 10 years. Now RATIONALLY I know this is all fine. 32 IS still young (right?… RIGHT?!) I don’t yet feel ready for a baby and I love sushi too much, I honestly couldn’t be happier in my relationship, I live in a beautiful – albeit rented- flat (and I am not willing to give up my millennial shopping basket – fancy Granola and Coyo all day loooong) and the nutrition course I am undertaking is literally a dream. But I am me and what I do is say ‘hold on, I need to overthink about this’.
The crux of the situation is that ultimately, without realising it or wanting to, we always compare ourselves to others. Now this can be catastrophic (especially if you compare your life to Beyonce) and generally unhelpful as your life is your own and what you choose to do with it is yours alone. BUT sometimes you can’t help but take a look at the people around you and go “bollocks – maybe I need to adult too?” . Some of my closest friends are new mums and they’re amazing at it – holding a seriously cute baby makes those ovaries twinge and you then feel the added extra of that incessant tick-ticking of your fecking biological clock. Always fun.
Now it has to be said here that these feelings don’t in any way, take away from the incredible happiness I feel for my friends and family around me. I am truly happy when my peoples are happy – it’s the best feeling in the world. But when you look into the lives of others, for just a short time you also look into your own life mirror.
Well, the trick here I believe is listen for a bit – you should always check your gut feels about things – and then turn those doubty-mcdoubtface voices off. Find that main voice – its yours so you’ll hear it – and listen. It’ll tell you to stick to the path you chose if its the right one. The universe WANTS you to succeed.
My favourite saying at the moment is ‘Follow your Bliss’ – Joseph Campbell said ‘that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”
This isn’t the idea that you just ‘do what you want’ though. One of the things that really grinds my gears is when people are rude or selfish or just a plain nobhead but their excuse is “that’s just me, it’s who I am” – well change it, because its not ok and who the hell do you think you are? Anyway I digress (again) – following your bliss means putting the work in. It is a matter of identifying that pursuit which you are truly passionate about and attempting to give yourself absolutely to it. In so doing, you will find your fullest potential and serve your community to the greatest possible extent.
Now some people’s bliss is parenthood, for some it’s art, for others it’s helping people or working to build business. Some people don’t even know they’re bliss yet – And you know what? That’s ok too – turns out no one knows what the hell they’re doing most of the time anyway. Fortunately I know my bliss now – do I wish I found it sooner? Possibly. But maybe everything that has happened to me up until this point (sad times included) has led me to my bliss. I must stop comparing myself to others as it is not fair on myself or on them either. My life is my own and actually (unashamedly) I’m totally in love with it.
I’ll leave you with one more quote from m_eye_nd – this one came at exactly the right time (sometimes insta-scrolling isn’t completely time wasting…)
“I hope your fifties mean going back to school or starting yoga, I hope your forties include falling in love with someone new – a friend, a child, a partner. I hope you stay up all night laughing with your friends and when you are thirty learn something new. I hope your life is full of wisdom and youth, adventure and old age – no matter what year it was you were born. I hope you aren’t held back by a number. And you don’t rush into things because it feels like time slipping by. I hope you do what’s right for you. Hold on. Slow Down. Breathe in. Your age is your age but more importantly your life is your life. Don’t change your journey so it matches someone elses. We need to walk different paths so the whole world can be explored. Revel in the differences. And enjoy where you are.”