March is almost done and with it comes along Mothers Day. I know so many wonderful Mums – friends, family – I’m surrounded by inspiring, strong women who manage not only to keep other humans alive, but guide and nurture them. I am always in awe of how mums ‘do it’ and it’s so very right that a day is dedicated to thanking them for being so awesome.
For me (and this blog is all about me me me obvs), and I’m sure for some of the other motherless out there, it’s not a particular easy day but it’s not completely terrible either.
The first year of a Mum-less Mothers Day was the worst. I wanted to shut the world away and every time a ‘love your mum’ advert came on TV I wanted to throw my dinner at it (and that’s saying something – I NEVER sacrifice dinner.) This year feels different though… the lead up wasn’t as bad, the adverts still gave me a slight twinge of the heart strings but not in the way that I need to look away, and I was able to make Mothers Day cards with the kids at school without wanting to burst into tears. And now here’s the day – and it’s… not that bad. I think the reason is that today just feels like any other day that I miss my mum. It’s a cliche to say, but I do think about her every single day. At some point she’ll pop into my head and sometimes it’s a nice passing thought and other times it grips hold of me, twists my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.
I saw an illustration on Instragram by Marian Drew which best describes what grief feels like to me. At first its as heavy as you can ever imagine – you lug it around and its difficult to move anywhere with it, it weighs you down, gets in the way of everything and leaves you with physical aches and pains. Then it changes and evolves, the giant sack becomes a suitcase – still heavy, still bulky – especially when you have to bring it everywhere with you, yet its more manageable. And then it evolves again, into a handbag – more portable, it’s still always there though and sometimes carrying it around becomes hard again and other times its not as noticeable, but you can’t and don’t put it down.
Today perhaps wasn’t as bad as I thought because of the people around me too – I’ve had so many messages from my friends today saying they’re also thinking about my mum. My friends are wonderful. It’s a small token, but a message means so much – it means for just a moment in the day someone was thinking about you and that’s amazing.
I spent the day thinking about my mum of course, doing nice, comforting things to keep my spirits high and my memories happy. One thing that makes it all easier for me is knowing that my Mum knew exactly how much I loved her. She couldn’t not know – we were unreserved and open about loving each other, talking and hugging frequently, so I can rest easy with the thought that she always felt loved. If you are lucky enough to give your mum a hug today – hold on to her for just a moment longer. If you can call her, tell her you love her. Trust me, you won’t regret it.